Life as we knew it

Last time I wrote, it was a very scary time. And then it became a very busy time. My dad's surgery went well, but recovery was pure hell. As it turned out, there were two holes in his intestine and they had to remove over 4 feet. So for the past 6 months, we've watched him go from extremely confused patient to mostly independent and functioning man again. 

It it still strange to me to be a "child" who is having to care for a parent. The first couple of months were very hard. My mom and I spent every day running between work and the hospital or rehab center. I was also going between my full-time job (40 hours), my part-time job (25 hours), and running home to take 2 dogs out on a regular basis. It was overwhelming. To the degree of not knowing that I looked like CRAP! Seeing pictures from that time is kind of funny now that I've somewhat caught up on sleep again.

But life has not gone back to "normal". A situation like that can never actually go back. There is a new normal where my dad is just not the person he used to be. He can't always remember words or even memories. He is very selfish and his needs/wants come before everyone else's. He healed enough to take care of the dogs during the day, but only to the degree that he feels like it. It's hard. It's hard on my mom and it's hard on me.

Life as we knew it changed, and life as we know it is going to change again. Dad just got cleared to have surgery REPAIR what they took apart before! It's very exciting. But I will admit that I'm scared of what will change again. I don't want him to get worse from whatever meds they have to put him on again. Hopefully, though, it will be a much easier recovery and things will get better and better. At least, I hope so. Fingers crossed!

Completely and Utterly Freaked Out

I am, always have been, and always will be a daddy's girl. My dad is one of my best friends, especially since I moved away from my hometown. I've pretty much always been able to tell him anything. (Whether or not that's a good thing, I'm still on sure!)

The last few days I've been extremely irritated and impatient with him. First, on Saturday morning before Mom and I left on our weekend trip, he thought maybe he should join us. Ordinarily, this wouldn't bother me. Except that we had been planning this trip for weeks, and he was supposed to stay home with both the dogs. I had offered--repeatedly--to board the dogs so he could have a free weekend, but no, he said he'd stay with them. Then on Saturday, because it was raining, he suddenly thinks he should go with. So annoying! Then when we returned on Sunday night, everything was fine until he woke in the middle of the night and got sick. I actually heard him vomiting from upstairs. When I checked on him, he said that his stomach hurt and once he got the food out he'd be fine. I left him alone. Soon after, he called mom to come down and help him. He was sick, but he wasn't saying much other than, "I don't know what to do." It was creepy because he is very much an independent sickie. He just does his thing and doesn't ask for much.

Monday and Tuesday did not get any better. He spent all day and all night sitting in his recliner. He seriously only got up to go to the bathroom. He wouldn't eat; he barely drank. I worked from home on Monday so he wouldn't be alone and I could take care of the dogs. On Tuesday, I came home for lunch to walk the dogs, and then walked them again between jobs. When I got home for the night from the second job, he was still sitting in his chair. He sounded a little better, so I was again annoyed when he wanted me to plug his phone in for him. I thought he was just being a baby and complained to Mom about him not taking care of himself. She was frustrated, too.

Along comes this morning when Mom took him to the doctor.  I didn't know about the appointment until just before leaving for work. I thought it was about time, though. During work, I got a text from my mom saying they were transporting my dad by ambulance to the hospital. And then later on, another one stating that he was going into emergency surgery because there was a perforated ulcer or basically, his gut was filling with pus, gas, poop--on the wrong side of the organs. Yeah, totally in need of the emergency surgery.

And so, here I am, at work with just a text. And I'd been so annoyed just hours earlier.

I am awful! I love my dad. Obviously something was very wrong for him to be so needy and annoying, and I should've recognized that. Now, I have to hope and pray and have faith in total strangers that they can fix him so that I don't lose him. If something happens and I didn't get to say good-bye...If the last time he saw me I said something snotty, like, "Of course I'll come home and take care of the dogs at lunch; it's not like someone else can do it." I will never forgive myself. I don't think I even said that I hope it goes well at the doctor. I just left for work.

And now all I can do is wait. Wait to hear from my mom when she has an update. Wait. Wait. Wait. I feel sick. I feel devastated. And I hope. I hope beyond anything else that my dad knows how much I love him and how much he means to me.



Quick rant here for the day....You know those days that everything is going nuts and you're just really annoyed? Yeah, that's today. Co-workers that can't think for themselves; clients that don't want to do the work; friends that just disappear and don't respond to anything...

And on top of all those annoying things, knowing that some of your friends are leaving soon and you're going to miss them. Sad face :( 

Okay, that's it for now. Done ranting. Just needed to complain for a minute.